I think it is now time for me to address this topic. Everyone knows that my preference is solo. But there are conditions when I would prefer a wing.
Cases when a Wing is better
1. You feel less afraid, less anxious, less nervous when you are out with someone who empathizes with you. It is certainly better to go out with a wing than to not go out at all. There are several people who would rather stay at home than go out alone. Being alone just terrifies or unsettles them. To these people, I say, go ahead, by all means use a wing.
2. A wing is very useful to someone new to the game. For a newbie, a wing is better than going out alone. This is true even if the aforementioned Newbie is not afraid of being alone. Having someone experienced as a wing is obviously great. But even if your wing is a newbie like you, it is still better than going out alone as there is so much to learn. And as a team you just learn faster.
3. A wing who is better than you at the game is obviously better than going out alone. This is true whether or not you are experienced yourself. You always learn from those better than you and you should grab the chance. The problem is that experienced people are hard to come by. The main reason is these guys go out only when they are single. And usually they find a new girlfriend within a month. And then they no longer go out. in some cases they settle down. In other cases they just move on to other things. The demand for experienced guys remains. So some leverage this demand by charging for their time. In general, this is what a Bootcamp usually is (if the instructor is honest and not a poseur). But fact remains, it is hard to find experienced guys to wing.
4. A wing who is just great company is always better than going out alone just because of how much fun these guys are. It is just their personality. In the west, these guys are very popular among women. India however is a different story for some reason. I’ve seen Plenty of guys who are not good with women but are nevertheless great company. For some reason, when a good looking woman comes in the vicinity, they lose their witty personality.
Cases when it is better to go out alone
1. When your wing has extreme approach anxiety.
2. When your wing can’t handle rejection. I’ve had several wings who start getting drunk or just start sulking after a few rejections. Now I have to carry them as well as talk to girls. Very stressful
3. When your wing is selfish or an asshole or just a plain idiot. We all know guys like this. They belittle you in front of a girl to score some cheap popularity points.
4. He is completely clueless. ‘Nuff said
5. I think you get the idea. There are several cases where it is better to go out alone and only a few cases where to go out with a wing. There are too many variables to handle when out with a wing. Going out alone, there are only two variables. The girls and you.
MY THOUGHTS ON USING A WING
1. Approach alone even if you have a wing:
In general, I do not use a wing man to approach a woman. I firmly believe that even if you have a wing, only one of you must approach a group of girls. You must absolutely not approach them together. I know it feels better if both of you get rejected so that each of you can take comfort in believing that the rejection happened because of the other guy. Or somehow sharing the blame. Nobody feels bad when the teacher scolds the whole class. It really hurts if the teacher singles you out. So I understand the attraction in approaching in groups. But guys, you must resist the temptation. I know. I know. It’s hard being a guy. But now that you are born a man, get it right this time.
In general, approaching as a group has rarely worked for me. The girls always seem to go ultra-defensive when they see a pack of guys or even two guys approaching them. They feel very wierd. Some feel scared as well. For some reason, I have never found a group of women being receptive to an approach by me and my wing both. All the sets that hook always start with one guy approaching the group. Women somehow feel safe in numbers. Psychologically, they feel safer if the guy is alone. Perhaps it is because they outnumber him. But for some reason, they feel far more confident, they open up faster and more and give you more to work with.
The disadvantage is obvious. If you get rejected, there is no where to hide. No one to share the blame with. So I get the resistance to approaching alone. But guys, there is only one rule in pickup, “Do what works”. And I find that this works. It is as simple as that. For most people, this kills more than half their reason for having a wing. I can hear most of you say, “Hey, if I have to approach by myself, why the hell would I need a wing?” Sorry Guys! I keep hearing about these awesome group openers guys pull out on all the forums, but I have yet to see someone do this successfully. All the opening successes I have seen are one guy doing the opening.
2. Just because your wing has opened a set, do not assume that it is a matter of time for you to join that set
This is something that confounds and floors most guys. I have seen countless sets, where the first guy is able to open the set and things are going well. And the moment the second guy joins, it just kills the vibe. Everything goes awkward. The conversation lulls. This does not always happen, but it happens most of the time. Most of the time, it is better for the wing to not to join the set at all.
If the set is going well, the guy who originally joined will be able to figure out which girls likes him and is likely to give him her number or be isolated and all the good stuff. There is usually no need for a wing to help you isolate the girl you like. There is no need for a wing to keep the other women occupied while you “close” the target. I know guys love all these war-teamwork-mission kinda scenarios. This war-teamwork-mission scenario is every bit a male fantasy as James Bond. The reality is far simpler.
Women seem to have a way of sub-communicating with each other that we guys lack. Somehow even her friends know what is going on and they give the necessary privacy. Otherwise, it is also a relatively simple thing to close the entire group and invite the whole lot to a house party you having next week. Generally, what happens when you do this is that the girl who likes you offers her number for you to call and coordinate for the party next week. And what happens next is that the party never happens, you just invite this cute chick to “just hang out, you know”.
I can now hear several of you protesting. You went out to approach togther, but here i am telling you to approach alone. Your wing has opened the set and you are eager to join. But here I am telling you to stay put. “This really sucks”, I can hear you say. Now that your wing has opened a set and you have not been invited to join, it sucks even harder. Earlier you were just alone. Now you are alone while your wing is having a great time. Or you are alone and your wing is feeling guilty. So he subconsciously sabotages himself. i can’t tell you the number of times, I have sabotaged a set out of guilt. Or I have been unable to be funny because I am feeling guilty. Or I invite the wing into the set out of guilt and everything goes down hill from there. Generally, I find myself being a lot bolder, a lot funnier, a lot more cheeky when going out alone. Part of this is also because there is no one I know who is judging me. Like all people, there is a bit of the ham in me. I too am a victim of vanity. I too like to impress others. All this causes performance anxiety. And you all know how that sucks.
So does this mean wingmen are perfectly useless. No, not really. What I am saying is that most wing-men strategies are perfectly useless. There are certainly cases where wings are great. Even out in the field. The main job of a wing man is
1. To encourage you to approach if you feel anxious
2. To keep your spirits up if you get rejected too often and are feeling a little depressed. He could crack jokes or make you laugh or just empathize
3. To keep you company if you are in between sets. I never liked the idea of 3-second rule. That rule is for people with great approach anxiety. In general it is of great value to sit, relax and scope out the situation or wait for the right moment to approach. This scoping out and waiting for the right moment can take some time. That is where a wing can keep you company. It could feel quite awkward sitting alone all by yourself.
But if you believe that you and your wing will pick up women together or that you can piggy back on your wing’s experiences, you really need to think again. There are others for whom this may be true. But it is not true for me. The best wing I had was a Korean-American Guy whose mission in life was to sleep with a hot white girl taller than himself. And he was willing to do what ever it took. And he finally succeeded. And he succeded again several times. Now he had the best game I have ever seen. Better than a lot of the Gurus who charge over $1000 for a weekend workshop. But even with him, we never had a set where we picked up chicks together in the same set. We just kept each other company and had fun. We used to introduce ourselves to all the sets as Harold and Kumar, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0366551/
And we had a lot of house parties which we made up on the spur of the moment. That’s all.