Recently I was talking to my ex-girlfriend. She was crying. I suddenly became acutely aware of how much pain I caused her. My mind went back to others I might have caused pain. This is a short open letter to all of them
Seeing you cry the other day broke my heart. I suddenly became acute of the all the pain I caused you. I became aware of my actions that caused all this pain. Actions I had undertaken in ignorance. Actions I had undertaken in order to inflate my ego. Actions I had undertaken in order to bring myself pleasant sensations. Actions I had undertaken without consideration as to how they might have affected you. Actions that never had just one reason driving them.
For these actions of mine, I beg forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean that I want to escape the consequences of my actions. For none can escape the consequences of their own actions. For none must escape the consequences of their actions. For none must desire an escape from the consequences of their actions. As I have caused you pain, so in the future will pain come to me. This I accept whole-heartedly. For what value does repentance have if one wants to escape the consequences? No, I accept the fruit of my actions whole-heartedly. I still ask you for forgiveness, so that you can move on with your life. So you can go ahead and find happiness for yourself. I know you want to find it with me, but as we both know this is not possible. Happiness is a precious thing. One must not quibble about how or where one finds it. When it comes, one just grabs it, no questions asked and thanks providence.
In my defense, I can say this much. I never lied to you. I never deceived you. I never had malicious intentions. I never made promises which I could not keep. I never made promises which I would not keep. I was merely self-absorbed and I never made any bones about it. You agreed with me on all these points. But somewhere along the line you became attached to me. And when separation came, as we both knew it would, you could not bear it. You kept hoping that separation would not come. That something would avert it. But separation came all the same and nothing averted it. And it left you crying. It left you weeping. And seeing you weeping broke my heart.
“Why did you start the relationship at all?” you cried
“Because I thought this time would be different” I pleaded
“Because this time I thought I could make it work.” I continued
You accepted my answer. But your emotions did not. You continued to cry. Passerbys started staring. And I was feeling helpless, defeated. You see, I still don’t understand women. I mean I know what I need to do to be able to attract them. But I still don’t understand them. And I certainly do not understand you. At this point, I have just given up on the whole venture.
“I wish I had never met you.” You cried.
I felt hurt at this statement. Was I really the worst guy you have ever encountered. Have I caused you so much pain that you wish to erase the memories of time spend together? Was I really that much worse than that asshole ex-boyfriend of yours who led you on for years together. Could you have gotten so attached to me in a matter of a couple months?
Your intellect may have accepted my answer, even if your emotions did not. But for some reason, my intellect did not accept my own answer. I asked myself, “Did you really think this was going to be different?” I introspected and thought. I meditated to clear my mind. I kept my attention on the breath. And I looked deep inside. And what I saw showed me who I was. I realized that I only hoped it was going to be different. The fact is that I never really did believe it would be different. So used to losing have I become that I dare not even contemplate victory.
Your tears have taught me a lesson I have struggled to learn for the last 16 years. What I have wrestled with for years with no resolution in sight. and they taught me well. I made peace with myself. I made peace with all the people who have hurt me in the past, knowingly or unknowingly. I called an estranged friend. I talked a lot to him and used many words. But the only thing I actually said was, “Mate, I love you. Thanks for being my friend.”
And it was just the same when I was talking to you. I used many words, but all I was actually saying was, “Baby, I love you. Thanks for all the moments we had together. All I want now is to see you happy and to see you smiling and laugh that laugh of yours that would bring forth a monsoon rain.”