In the Old days my idea of heaven was sleeping with bus loads of women. In some ways, it still is. It is just that in the Old days I actually attempted it. I would just open set after set after set. I was what they call an approach machine. A horn-dog. A pussy hound. Bars, clubs, libraries, book stores, grocery stores, the street, wherever. Except for the meditation center which I used to frequent regularly, no place was sacred. I’d hit on women everywhere. Only the meditation center was out of bounds. The women meditators were out of bounds. Surprisingly, the other guys who came to meditate had no such qualms. They would regularly hit on the women meditators. One of them actually had to drop out of the group as he had slept with too many of the women meditators. But they would be passive like sheep at all the other venues. What gives, guys?
I’d be working on several women at once. Of course, I never got to the point where I was sleeping with several women simultaneously, but I was getting laid regularly and with a steady stream of new women. It was a lot of work, but it was better than the alternate of Celibacy which I had endured for the first 25 years of my existence. And it certainly beat the hell out of monogamy which terrified me.
But there was always this under-current of unease. I could never put a finger on it. But it was there and it kept growing. Of course, I was also simultaneously attempting practicing the Blessed One’s teachings. Married chicks, underage chicks, chicks in serious relationships, dhamma sisters were out of bounds. So there was no sexual misconduct so to speak. I wasn’t killing anyone. At nights, I used to drink just one glass of wine (healthiest of the alcoholic libations) to get a little bit buzzed to relax me. As for day game, there was no drinking at all. So a minimal violation of the no-intoxicants rule. I was not killing, I was not stealing. I was not telling any deceptive lies either. But the problem was petty lies. I know that the PUAs say “It’s not lying, it’s flirting.” But I always felt a little uneasy with that. And this unease just kept growing. Somehow, the way I was doing pick-up was not in keeping with right speech. As I was slowly beginning to understand the Blessed One’s teaching’s more and more deeply, as I started going deeper and deeper into meditation, this started becoming a problem. I started becoming unhappy. Why was I unhappy? Wasn’t I living the life? I wasn’t doing anything majorly wrong was I?
Finally, a point came where I had an existential crisis. My chest squeezed tight. I felt a nameless dread. That’s it I thought. I can’t do this anymore. I quit my job, quit pick up, went trekking in the Himalayas, travelled a bit, meditated a bit more seriously, a bit more intensively. Stayed with my parents for a while, visited my friends, stayed with my brother for a while, stayed with my grandmother for a while. There was a Satipatthana course where GoenkaJi says that “A Blessed One’s disciple must either live in a committed relationship or he must be Celibate. Otherwise, the agitation in his mind will just keep growing causing deep deep misery.” That was probably it. But then why don’t other guys in Pick-up experience this? Actually some of them do. But most don’t. So why me? According to one of my advanced Brother disciples (A dhamma brother), when one practices the TathaGatha’s teachings, one becomes more sensitive to what is happening within oneself. Thus one becomes more aware of the actions that cause one to become agitated. Was this it? Was I becoming more perceptive? I would like to think so. But I do not know.
At any rate, that finished Pick-up for me. And since I have a phobia for committed relationships, it ended sexual activity for me as well. I decided to practice Celibacy and was stupid enough to tell my friends. They laughed at me and took bets as to how long it would take me to come back into the game, Blessed One or no Blessed One.
Anyway, what followed were some of the most peaceful months of my life. My practice grew. I became happier. My tension complexes started dissolving away. I became less irritable. I decided to move back to India to be closer to my parents. As per the Blessed One, parents get a place higher than the deities. I came back into the workforce. I was finally happy. My parents would enjoy visiting me. Their visits were a joy for me. Occassional visits to my grandmther were wonderful. Work and meditation for the rest of my life. Perhaps a stage would come where I would not even need to work to occupy my mind. Maybe I could become a monk. Wow! And practice the Blessed One’s teaching exclusively. Wonderful! I was set for happily ever after ….. NOT
Once again over the last few months, my sex drive came back. With a bang. Stronger and more persistent than ever before. Observing the sensations related to the sex-drive was not working. They were too strong. I could not observe in a detached fashion. I would roll in them for hours. Sexual perversions began to take root in my mind. I started fantasizing about strange things. I started watching pornography. Something I had not done in a long long while. I started masturbating. Something I had not done in a long long while. I started struggling with my meditation. I struggled with meditating even one hour a day. I started wasting time. Huge chunks of time. I started becoming lazy. Some days would pass in a sexual stupor. Work was beginning to suffer. Neither was I getting laid, nor was I making progress in meditation. I realized, Celibacy was not for me. I needed to get laid. But what to do? I can’t go back to the world of Pick-Up that I had left. That would be a step back. That would be back to the path of misery. I was not going back.
I struggled with the concept of monogamy. Lifelong monogamy. A woman with power over me for the rest of my life. Yes, I would love to keep fucking several women for the rest of my life. But I adore the Blessed One even more than I adore women. I adore his teachings even more than I adore getting laid. Life really is a struggle isn’t it? Isn’t this similar to the much misunderstood Muslim concept of Jehad. Endless struggle and striving to perfection. So this is a no-brainer. If I am to have sex, it will have to be in context of the Blessed One’s teachings. There really is no question here. Finally, I accepted the fact that I may have to try out monogamy. But first I would have to find a girl. An arranged marriage is too much of a step for me. Let me just try to find a girl on my terms. Call it ego if you will, but there it is. It would be too humilating for me to ask my parents to find me a girl. Just can’t do it folks. My skill set is probably shot to bits after months of inactivity. I will have to re-build the skill set. I would have to start hitting the Gym again. Shopping for better clothes. Yes, I would have to get back into the game, but with a different aim. And that, dear Reader is what led me to my tryst at Club Toit in Bangalore the other night.