Wrong bodybuilding Dieting and Workout Assumptions

Always check your assumptions. I list some of my workout assumptions that have caused me immense harm over the years.

1. Never go to bed hungry: I used to believe that when you are hungry, the body consumes muscle. This assumption is wrong. When hungry, the body consumes fat. Muscle is consumed only when the protein content is low. Since the protein content in my diet is low, I lose lot of muscle when I fall ill. If the protein content in your diet is high, hunger will not consume muscle. Khiladi keeps going to bed hungry and his biceps are as big as his head

2. After a workout, have a protein shake, wait 15 minutes and then have food: Nothing wrong with this

3. Never have more than 30gms of protein in one shot: This is probably just stinginess.

4. have protein shake only after a workout. That is when it is most effective. No point having it in general: This is not necessarily true. Khiladi has 140 gms of protein. He can’t be having all of it after a workout alone. He has got to be having this throughout the day

5. Don’t have protein shake on a full stomach. Most effective on empty stomach: This is probably true

6. You need 54 gms of protein a day but only on the day you workout: Someone like me trying to gain muscle needs closer to 100gms of protein a day. 54 is too low.

7. Whey Protein on an empty stomach causes diarhhoea: The bad quality one that is extracted from pasteurized milk does. The good quality one extracted from raw milk does not. I have never had diarrhea from consuming Whey protein from Kaizen naturals.

8. Don’t consume too much Whey protein supplement: Khiladi’s main source of food is the Whey protein

9. Carbs are important for those working out to build muscle: Carbs are important to provide energy for the workout. Not for muscle gain. If you have plenty of fat, you don’t need too much Carbs. Keep it protein.

10: Too much protein intake can cause kidney damage: Not whey protein. In fact there is no documented case of whey protein consumption causing trouble.

11. Fat is worse than Carbs: Depends. Fat from pastries certainly is. But fat from meats is not. In fact fat from meats is far far better than carbs

12. Excess carbs is better than excess protein: Not necessarily. Excess carbs always turns into Fat in order to keep the blood sugar from going high. Fat deposits are the body’s way of preventing high blood sugar by converting carbs into fat and hiding it away. Excess protein get’s pushed to muscles or ejected later. But excess carbs always turn into fat deposits

13. The body when hungry first consumes Muscle and then fat: Totally wrong. This is true only if protein content is low

Action plan
1. No white rice or white bread
2. No sugar
3. Lots of eggs
4. Lots of whey protein
5. Limited quantity of brown rice and brown bread
6. Go to bed a little bit hungry
6. Don’t over eat for any meal, not just for the day. It is the over eating even for one meal that causes fat deposits.


Now here is a list of my incorrect workout assumptions over the last few years

1. You must always workout to failure: This is a hangover from the Days of High intensity training as promoted by Mike Mentzer. While failure now and then is good, always working to failure is bound to cause an injury at some point or the other. I injured myself in 2006 and could not lift weights for the next 5 years.

2. The first set must be the heaviest weight, then lighter and so on and so forth till the last set is the lightest: While not necessarily false, it is not necessarily true either. Sagi Kalev of Body beast promotes the thinking that the first set is the lightest and the last set the heaviest. This also gives good results

3. The entire body must be worked out in every workout session: This, while not necessarily false, is not necessarily true either. As any one in bodybuilding can tell you, working out one body part a day can be pretty effective as well.

4. Muscles begin to atrophy after 96 hours. So body parts must be exercised in cycles of 96 hours: This is not true. Sagi Kalev promotes a cycle of one week and the results are pretty good here as well.

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My views on WingMen

I think it is now time for me to address this topic. Everyone knows that my preference is solo. But there are conditions when I would prefer a wing.  

Cases when a Wing is better

1. You feel less afraid, less anxious, less  nervous when you are out with someone who empathizes with you. It is certainly better to go out with a wing than to not go out at all. There are several people who would rather stay at home than go out alone. Being alone just terrifies or unsettles them. To these people, I say, go ahead, by all means use a wing.

2. A wing is very useful to someone new to the game. For a newbie, a wing is better than going out alone. This is true even if the aforementioned Newbie is not afraid of being alone. Having someone experienced as a wing is obviously great. But even if your wing is a newbie like you, it is still better than going out alone as there is so much to learn. And as a team you just learn faster.

3. A wing who is better than you at the game is obviously better than going out alone. This is true whether or not you are experienced yourself. You always learn from those better than you and you should grab the chance. The problem is that experienced people are hard to come by. The main reason is these guys go out only when they are single. And usually they find a new girlfriend within a month. And then they no longer go out. in some cases they settle down. In other cases they just move on to other things. The demand for experienced guys remains. So some leverage this demand by charging for their time. In general, this is what a Bootcamp usually is (if the instructor is honest and not a poseur). But fact remains, it is hard to find experienced guys to wing.

4. A wing who is just great company is always better than going out alone just because of how much fun these guys are. It is just their personality. In the west, these guys are very popular among women. India however is a different story for some reason.  I’ve seen Plenty of guys who are not good with women but are nevertheless great company. For some reason, when a good looking woman comes in the vicinity, they lose their witty personality.


Cases when it is better to go out alone

1. When your wing has extreme approach anxiety.
2. When your wing can’t handle rejection. I’ve had several wings who start getting drunk or just start sulking after a few rejections. Now I have to carry them as well as talk to girls. Very stressful
3. When your wing is selfish or an asshole or just a plain idiot. We all know guys like this. They belittle you in front of a girl to score some cheap popularity points.
4. He is completely clueless. ‘Nuff said
5. I think you get the idea. There are several cases where it is better to go out alone and only a few cases where to go out with a wing. There are too many variables to handle when out with a wing. Going out alone, there are only two variables. The girls and you.



                                     MY THOUGHTS ON USING A WING

1. Approach alone even if you have a wing: 

In general, I do not use a wing man to approach a woman. I firmly believe that even if you have a wing, only one of you must approach a group of girls. You must absolutely not approach them together.  I know it feels better if both of you get rejected so that each of you can take comfort in believing that the rejection happened because of the other guy. Or somehow sharing the blame. Nobody feels bad when the teacher scolds the whole class. It really hurts if the teacher singles you out. So I understand the attraction in approaching in groups. But guys, you must resist the temptation. I know. I know. It’s hard being a guy. But now that you are born a man, get it right this time.

In general, approaching as a group has rarely worked for me. The girls always seem to go ultra-defensive when they see a pack of guys or even two guys approaching them. They feel very wierd. Some feel scared as well. For some reason, I have never found a group of women being receptive to an approach by me and my wing both. All the sets that hook always start with one guy approaching the group. Women somehow feel safe in numbers. Psychologically, they feel safer if the guy is alone. Perhaps it is because they outnumber him. But for some reason, they feel far more confident, they open up faster and more and give you more to work with.

The disadvantage is obvious. If you get rejected, there is no where to hide. No one to share the blame with. So I get the resistance to approaching alone. But guys, there is only one rule in pickup, “Do what works”. And I find that this works. It is as simple as that. For most people, this kills more than half their reason for having a wing. I can hear most of you say, “Hey, if I have to approach by myself, why the hell would I need a wing?” Sorry Guys! I keep hearing about these awesome group openers guys pull out on all the forums, but I have yet to see someone do this successfully. All the opening successes I have seen are one guy doing the opening.


2. Just because your wing has opened a set, do not assume that it is a matter of time for you to join that set

This is something that confounds and floors most guys. I have seen countless sets, where the first guy is able to open the set and things are going well. And the moment the second guy joins, it just kills the vibe. Everything goes awkward. The conversation lulls.  This does not always happen, but it happens most of the time. Most of the time, it is better for the wing to not to join the set at all.

If the set is going well, the guy who originally joined will be able to figure out which girls likes him and is likely to give him her number or be isolated and all the good stuff. There is usually no need for a wing to help you isolate the girl you like. There is no need for a wing to keep the other women occupied while you “close” the target. I know guys love all these war-teamwork-mission kinda scenarios. This war-teamwork-mission scenario is every bit a male fantasy as James Bond. The reality is far simpler.

Women seem to have a way of sub-communicating with each other that we guys lack. Somehow even her friends know what is going on and they give the necessary privacy. Otherwise, it is also a relatively simple thing to close the entire group and invite the whole lot to a house party you having next week.  Generally, what happens when you do this is that the girl who likes you offers her number for you to call and coordinate for the party next week. And what happens next is that the party never happens, you just invite this cute chick to “just hang out, you know”.

I can now hear several of you protesting. You went out to approach togther, but here i am telling you to approach alone. Your wing has opened the set and you are eager to join. But here I am telling you to stay put. “This really sucks”, I can hear you say. Now that your wing has opened a set and you have not been invited to join, it sucks even harder. Earlier you were just alone. Now you are alone while your wing is having a great time. Or you are alone and your wing is feeling guilty. So he subconsciously sabotages himself. i can’t tell you the number of times, I have sabotaged a set out of guilt. Or I have been unable to be funny because I am feeling guilty. Or I invite the wing into the set out of guilt and everything goes down hill from there. Generally, I find myself being a lot bolder, a lot funnier, a lot more cheeky when going out alone. Part of this is also because there is no one I know who is judging me. Like all people, there is a bit of the ham in me. I too am a victim of vanity. I too like to impress others. All this causes performance anxiety. And you all know how that sucks.

So does this mean wingmen are perfectly useless. No, not really. What I am saying is that most wing-men strategies are perfectly useless. There are certainly cases where wings are great. Even out in the field. The main job of a wing man is

1. To encourage you to approach if you feel anxious

2. To keep your spirits up if you get rejected too often and are feeling a little depressed. He could crack jokes or make you laugh or just empathize

3. To keep you company if you are in between sets. I never liked the idea of 3-second rule. That rule is for people with great approach anxiety. In general it is of great value to sit, relax and scope out the situation or wait for the right moment to approach. This scoping out and waiting for the right moment can take some time. That is where a wing can keep you company. It could feel quite awkward sitting alone all by yourself.

But if you believe that you and your wing will pick up women together or that you can piggy back on your wing’s experiences, you really need to think again. There are others for whom this may be true. But it is not true for me. The best wing I had was a Korean-American Guy whose mission in life was to sleep with a hot white girl taller than himself. And he was willing to do what ever it took. And he finally succeeded. And he succeded again several times. Now he had the best game I have ever seen. Better than a lot of the Gurus who charge over $1000 for a weekend workshop. But even with him, we never had a set where we picked up chicks together in the same set. We just kept each other company and had fun. We used to introduce ourselves to all the sets as Harold and Kumar, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0366551/

 And we had a lot of house parties which we made up on the spur of the moment. That’s all.

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FIFA World Cup 2014 Semi Final and Final predictions

So far, out of 12 matches in the knockouts, I made 8 predictions. Of those 8, all have been correct. The matches are now going to be closer and closer. Predictions get harder and harder. Now getting it right is as much about luck as logic.

Now time for some future predictions

1. Brazil to Beat Germany

Everyone knows about the Mental toughness of the Germans. Everyone knows about the flair, talent and brilliance of the Brazilians. What is usually forgotten is that the Brazilians are mentally tough in their own right. For instance, how many penalties has Brazil lost in this and previous world cups? Exactly! Do you guys know that since 1974, 6 of the 7 teams to knock out Brazil have gone on to the Finals. That is just how hard Brazil are to beat.
Then there is history and Psychology. Notice how Chile never really believed that they could beat the Brazilians. Notice how the Colombians suddenly played their worst game on running against the Brazilians. Playing Brazil is as much psychological as technical.
In previous meetings, Brazil have beaten Germany 12 times to only 4 losses. And in important tournaments, Germany have never beaten Brazil. Now I know that Germany are probably the toughest team mentally, but the Brazilians and Italians are the two teams that the Germans seem to go cold against. I don’t expect this time to be any different even though Thiago and Neymar will miss this one.

2. Argentina Vs Holland: Will not predict this match

Holland are the one team that have done it all this world cup. 3 times, they have come from behind. They have demolished the world champ. They have outplayed a very Good team (Chile), they have come from behind in the dying moments (mexico) and survived a penalty shootout against a very good team and Goalkeeper (Costa Rica/Navas). They look more like champions than any other team. That being said, the last two matches could have well drained them. A penalty shootout and a last minute win can be too much excitement and can drain you. They might just have nothing left in the tank against Argentina. Had they beaten CR easily, they might have been in better shape. But there is the danger that their nerves might be shot. They have had more excitement than any other team in this WC.

Argentina on the other hand, have never had to come from behind. They have lead on every occasion. They have never had to claw back. What happens if the Dutch go ahead? But they have that guy, Messi. I just cannot bring myself to predict an Argentine Defeat. I just can’t think raionally about this match the way I can think about the others. This is what we call the Fan’s Dilemna. Maybe because I like Messi so much, it is so easy for me to see their flaws. Maybe I am a pessimist at heart. Always waiting for the inevitable collapse of my favorite team. Seeing Germany demolish Argentina in the last cup via their swift counterattacks just broke my heart.

For Argentina it is absolutely essential that they not concede an early goal. Else they are finished.


Final Predictions

Okay, so my first prediction to go wrong was Brazil beating Germany. And Boy was I wrong. So wrong. So far I’ve got 8 predictions right out of 9. Time to analyse Argentina Vs Germany

1. Germany advantages
a. Better attack
b. Better Goalkeeper
c. Better and more Fluid teamwork
d. Extra day rest and a reasonably easy match against Brazil. So better rested
e. Recent Domination of Argentina

2. Argentina Advantages
a. Better Defense
b. Lionel Messi
c. European teams do not generally win outside Europe.

3. Scenarios
a. if Germany goes 1 up, Germany wins. They will simply shut shop and in the last minutes of the 2nd half, they will do those counter-attacks and just annihilate Argentina like in 2010.

b. If Argentina goes 1 up, it is 80-20 in favor or Argentina.

c. If it goes to extra time, it is 70-30 in favor of the Germans. The Germans have had more rest remember?

b. If it goes to Penalties, Germany wins: Germany has never lost on Penalties in a world cup. Argentina have lost only once in penalties in a world cup, in 2006, to you guessed it, Germany!

Basically this is a Great Team Vs Great Individual scenario. The Great team usually wins.

My verdict: Germany beats Argentina

Let’s evaluate the odds.

1. Germany goes 1 up: 40%
2. Argentina goes 1 up: 40%
3. 0-0 at halftime: 20%

German chances to win in regulation time: 40% + 0.25 * 40% = 50%
Argentine chances to win in regulation time: 30%
Still even after regulation time: 20%

If it does come to extra time

1. German chances to win in extra time: 60% (rest factor comes into play)
2. Argentine chances to win in extra time: 20%
3. 0-0 at the end of extra time: 20%

German chances to win within extra time = 50% + 0.2 * 60% = 62%
Argentine chances to win in extra time = 30% + 0.2 * 20% = 34%
Still even after extra time: 4%

German chances to win on penalties: 100% (extra rest + mental toughness)

Total German winning chances = 66%
Argentine chances = 34%

So a 2:1 odds in Germany’s favor are what I am calling.

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FIFA World cup 2014 quatro-Finale predictions

My previous post on the FIFA world cup predicted the outcome of the pre-quarterfinal matches. I made predictions for 6 out of 8 matches. All six havecome true. Now time for some predictions for the quarter finals. The most impressive teams so far have been Colombia and Netherlands. I was reluctant to name Colombia earlier because of the perception that they had so far played teams that were not too strong. Netherlands continues to be the most impressive teams because they seem to have done it all. Demolished a champion, come from behind, topped the group by easily beating the runner up and shown nerves of steel to win a game at the Brink of elimination from the world cup. They have shown all the attributes of a champion team. Colombia, in my opinion have not been tested yet the way netherlands have. They have won all their games comfortably. We are not yet sure what they would do on a day when they fall behind.

France have won all their games comfortably playing weak teams in the group stages and have rarely been tested. But their defeat of Nigeria has been impressive. Germany has been tested and have come out on top on each occasion. They have shown their mental toughness. Add to this, the fact that Germany have traditionally dominated both France and England in international tournaments. The French have a major inferiority complex vis-a-vis the Germans. Several times in the past better French teams have lost to weaker German teams.

Clearly Columbia has been more impressive than Brazil in this world cup. By form alone, Colombia should beat Brazil. But the game is not played by Robots. It’s played by Humans. And with humans psychology is a factor. Watching Brazil Vs Chile, I just could not escape the feeling that Chile did not truly believe they could win. They basically choked at the Penalty shootout when actually Brazil was the team under most pressure. Do Colombia believe they can beat Brazil? That, in my opinion is the main question. So far their record against Brazil is 2-15. Because I am not sure of their mental make-up, I decline to call this match.

Can’t help noticing that Costa Rica conceded a goal to Greece in their dying minutes. Did they relax? But they did not let the disappointment get to them. They came back to win on Penalties. That takes mental strength as well.

Belgium look Solid. Mentally tough. Dark horses before the tourney. They are living up to their billing. Argentina have not looked that solid. They are finding it hard to score and when they do score, they have trouble holding on to it. But Argentina have Messi and they seem overdependent on him.

In General, great player Vs Great team and the Great team will always win. Going by that Colombia should beat Brazil and Belgium should beat Argentina. But we are human beings with emotions, with memories. We feel pressure. We doubt. It is this that is preventing me from Going with Belgium and Colombia straight up. Then there is the matter of my emotions and biases. I like Messi too much to be able to contemplate an Argentine loss to Belgium.

Each of these games is much harder to call than the pre-quarter finals.

1. Germany to beat France

2. Colombia Vs Brazil: Too Close to call (On Form: Columbia, On Psychology: Brazil)

3. Argentina to beat Belgium: Too close to call (On Form: Belgium, On Messi: Argentina)

4. Netherlands to beat Costa Rica

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Kammanahalli, Bangalore Club roundup and Review

Kammanahalli has a reputation among people in Bangalore that I am only recently becoming aware of. Some call in Kammanahattan likening it to Manhattan because of the presence of so many foreigners, especially students. One of my colleagues keeps saying to me, “So many Babes, man!” 

So, in the spirit of Science, a la Richard Feynman, I decided that this was a reputation worth investigating. Also, I need a competitor to Toit. Options are always good. 

One review of a Kammanahalli Club called Lounge 579 is already on this blog.

0. Lounge 579: Too loud to talk, cover charge, Only couples on the dance floor. Conclusion: Not for single guys hoping to get Jiggy with it. 


1.                                                     Extreme Sports Bar

Link: https://www.facebook.com/XSBKMN

Cover Charge: Rs 500

Stag entry: No

Conclusion: Don’t come here hoping to get laid or meet women

Player Grade: F


2.                                                           Rewind

Link: http://www.burrp.com/bangalore/rewind-kammanahalli-main-road-listing/151147

Cover Charge: None

Stag Entry: Yes

Logstics: This is more a restaurant than a Pub. Not really a place to drink like Toit. This is a place to eat. Tables every where. Very bad for approach logistics. There are a few rooms. There is a small outdoors where you could theoretically approach. However, one approach is all you can do there. Then you have to leave as everyone there has seen it. 

First experience: Two girls in the Balcony each with their boyfriend. One all girl set eating at their table. But tables are not really places to approach are they?

Player rating: D


3.                                                    Local The resto Pub

Link: http://www.bing.com/local/details.aspx?lid=YN4070x6119297565451329898&q=The%20Local&form=LARE

Cover Charge: None

Stag Entry: Yes

Logistics: You can only approach a maximum of one set. You will catch everyone’s attention with that one approach. If you get shot down, it’s time to leave, because it is a small place. So there is no place to hide unlike in Toit where you can approach a few sets and still remain relatively anonymous. 

First experience: every girl was with a date. There was a big mixed set. I don’t do mixed sets in places like that. I prefer all girls sets. 

Conclusion: Good place for a first date. Not worth driving all the way from another part of town if meeting girl is . If you live in the area, just walk in to examine the vibe. If there are reasonable looking girls, by all means grab a drink, and approach them when you are close to finishing the drink. If the set hooks, stay. Else, you leave after gulping the last drops of your drink. 

Player rating: C


4.                                                   Rasta

Link: http://rastarasta.com/

Cover Charge: None except when they have special events like when they invite a comedian like Russell Peters

Stag Entry: Yes

Logistics: The best logistics of any place I have seen so far in bangalore. Even better than Toit.  Three floors with the dance floor at the top. Plenty of space on every floor. Plenty of areas with excellent privacy. Excellent outdoors on all floors. If one approach at some place goes wrong, you can always leave and go somewhere where people did not see you get shot down.

First experience: The place has just opened. So when I walked in on a weekday, it was nearly empty. There were a couple of girls on the first floor with one guy. They girl was dressed in short shorts. On the weekend, there was a special event and a Rs 600 cover charge. So I decided to come some other time to check out the place. I have never had much luck with women in “events”

Conclusion: Tremendous potential. This may be the competitor to Toit I was looking for.

Player Rating: Potentially A+. A full review will come soon

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Toit on a Weekday, Part-3: Ms. Australia and Ms. Socialite

Talking to Mr. innocent has put me in a much better mood and I do another round of the bar to look for prospective sets. Every girl there is either with her Boyfriend/Husband or in a big mixed group consisting of both guys and girls. There is only one set of a couple girls. This is the set I will have to open. But I could not do it immediately.

The girls were seated outside. Toit has a nice balcony. There is also a bench you can sit on which is actually a recommended option if you are rolling solo like I am. That is exactly what I do. And the Good or bad part is that by sitting on the bench, I am exactly facing the two girls who I intend or hope to approach before the night is out. i am clearly violating the 3-second rule, let alone the three minute rule. But it can’t be helped. Approaching straight away would be suicide because I am just not feeling confident enough at the moment. I sit and observe the scene around me. There is a couple sitting and talking right next to me. There are four tables filled with only guys. Some of the guys are looking at me dubiously. The others are looking at the girls. The girls themselves seem to be very good friends. Plenty of laughing and joking and speaking loudly.

I ponder the wisdom of opening this set. In the U.S., we are advised that the best set to approach is the one where the girls are looking bored. We are advised to approach the set where the girls are looking around. We are advised to approach the sets where girls are hardly talking to each other or talking half-heartedly. The girls in this set were doing nothing that indicated that this was a good set to open. They were not looking around, they were looking like they were having a great time, they were constantly talking and laughing. Doubts assailed me. How would such a set react to my approach? Would I kill their good time? Would they shoo me away? Would they close up and stiffen at my approach? I was paralyzed by doubt. I continued to nurse my bloody Mary.

Finally, I was down to the last few drops my drink. It was time to approach. I was done with my drink. If the approach went badly, I could just head home. Just as I was about to get up, a bunch of guys came from nowhere and stood between me and the girls and started talking very loudly and boisterously while smoking and drinking. This completely killed my vibe. I stayed put resolving to wait till they left. For 15 minutes the guys stood right ahead of where I sat and I heard an infinite number of B****c**d and M****c**d while they made a great show of friendship slapping each others back. They shot the shit for about 15 minutes before leaving. Why guys have to make such a display of friendship in front of women who they anyhow do not intend to approach is beyond me. Do you understand this phenomenon? I mean I’ve seen guys talking to each other when there are no women around and they always seem to be louder and more boisterous when the women are around. What gives guys? Any theories?

Anyway, the guys were now gone and it was now or never. Here comes nothing. I got up and started heading in their direction. My stomach knotted up, my heart started pounding, fear swept through my throat, chest and abdomen. My knees felt wobbly. My legs started shaking. I thought I’d fall midway before I got to their table. How I made it to their table without collapsing or fainting, I do not know. If someone has a theory, please feel free to postulate it in the comments section.

I sat down at one of the two available chairs in the table. As I sat, they suddenly stopped talking and stared at me.
“Hi” I squeaked, trying to smile
*Awkward silence*

I’m pretty sure every body in that godamn balcony was staring at me. But I was determined not to look at anyone but these two girls. If anyone was going to psyche me out, it would be me, or it would be these two girls. Not some third party. I made a last ditch attempt to salvage this set,

“You see I was just getting done with my drink (pointing to my almost finished drink) and was heading home, but my resolution for the day was that I would not leave this place till I met at least three interesting people.”

“Three interesting people? There are only two of us.” Said one girl
“Why are we interesting? Because we are chicks?” Asked the other almost immediately

Aaaah! A response. Yessss! I’m in business. Let the party begin. We are off to the races.
1. Knot in my stomach dissolved: Check
2. Heart stopped pounding: Check
3. Legs stopped shaking. Check

I once again felt like the Masculineffort of the old days before my experiments with Celibacy.

At this point, I think it is best if we named these two girls right away for ease of referencing. The first girl works at a media outlet which I will not name. She is an old Bangalore hand having lived here for a long while. She is quite the Social butterfly and even knew an old classmate of mine who now works at Time Out Bangalore. It really is a small world, isn’t it? We will call her Ms. Socialite from now on. The other is a girl who has just returned to India after living and working in Australia for the last 5 years. Very conveniently, we will call her Ms. Australia.

“Girls, Girls, Girls!” I exclaimed throwing up my hands. “I can only answer one question at a time. I am a guy after all.”
At this they both looked at each other and started laughing.
“I asked first. So answer me.” Said Ms. Socialite
“Well I already met one interesting person. You should have met him.”
“We don’t believe you.” said Ms. Australia unable to conceal her grin
“Why not?” I asked
“Because we think you are here only because we are girls.” she said boldly
“Well! that is certainly part of the reason.” I conceded
This seemed to disarm them and they both started laughing.
“Why do you want to meet interesting people?” challenged Ms. Australia
“Mainly for my loyal readership.” See Dear Reader? You are never too far from my mind.
“Your what? Are you a writer?” asked Ms Socialite
“In a sense, yes?”
“Which magazine do you write for?”
“I write a blog.”
“A Blog?”
“What do you write about?” Asked Ms. Australia
“What aspects of Life?”
“Anything that catches my fancy?”
“What’s the name of the blog?”
“Sorry, It’s an underground Blog. Part of a shadowy counterculture network”
“Let me give you some advice Girls. Write a Blog. It is so therapeutic.”
“Well, you can write about all sorts of things that you would never tell to anyone else. You can let it all out. You can organize your thoughts. You can say what’s on your mind.”
“Mmmmmmmm”, said Ms. Australia warming to the possibility of having her own underground blog. But she was not done trying to put me on the spot.

“We were having a girls night out and you came and interrupted us. That is a big no-no. You have not spent a lot of time with women.” She said
“Probably not.” I agreed easily
Ms Australia’s reaction indicated that this was not the reaction she was hoping for. She was probably hoping for a denial followed by a long list of my sexual peccadilloes.
“But at least you are not like the other guys.” She ventured
“What other guys?”
“I mean they come try to talk to us and are pretty creepy.”
“You mean these guys have not spent a lot of time with women.” I said with a mocking smile.
Ms. Socialite burst out laughing at this and even Ms. Australia could not suppress a smile.

“Did you put him up to this?” Ms Socialite Shouted to her friend at the other table
I turned around to look at her friend. Both she and her husband were laughing.
“That was very brave of you.” Said the girl in the other table
“Oh! It is brave only if your intentions are unwholesome. My intentions are extremely wholesome. I’m just a friendly guy.” I said
“Whatever!” Challenged Ms. Australia, “I’m sure you did not talk to any guy while here.”
“Wow! Ms Australia.” I replied back coolly. “You have no idea what I was up to the last hour. Don’t you think your categorical statement is a bit ………arrogant?”
“So who was this other guy?” She challenged. She was smiling. She is trying to put me in a spot and she is enjoying this.
“Well, he comes from a Fishing village in North Karnataka. He was telling his stories in the Big City including his ………”
“I’m going to go get myself a drink” said Ms. Socialite cutting me off and excused herself.

While Ms. Socialite was gone Ms. Australia and I made some small talk. I tried to guess where she was from and I was completely off the mark. She is from Kerala. She seemed quite upset that I guessed she was from U.P.? Why do I keep running into girls from Kerala. And why do they all Enjoy challenging me? Hell, my first Girlfriend was from Kerala. And why does U.P. have a bad rep? Some of India’s most polite, urbane and cultured people come from U.P. Hell, I witnessed a verbal fight between UPites in Lucknow and it seemed more like they were making polite suggestions to each other instead of abusing each other.
“My dear Friend, may I suggest you go drown yourself in order to increase the average IQ of this town?”
“On the contrary, Dear Sir, Your presence ensures that my demise will only ensure that the average IQ of this town actually goes down.”
Seriously this is how some of those throwbacks from the days of Nawabs abuse each other in extremely polite tones

“I feel like I am in the twilight Zone.” Said Ms. Socialite as she returned from the bar.
At this, they started talking about some other dude who had hit on them in a very awkward manner 5 years back. 5 years back? and they remember that incident? And it was awkward? That means no one has hit on these two girls in a night club environment in the last 5 years? Wow!

Apparently, He approached them on the excuse that they were both fans of the Same IPL team. Apparently they were trying to get rid of him but he would not take the hint.
“Well, if IPL is not going to help a guy meet women, what use is it?” I asked, “I mean it’s not like it is an actual sport.” I never miss a chance to bash the IPL.
“What? We support CSK.”
“Aaaah! you must be in love with N. Srinivasan. Sorry girls, he’s taken. He has a wife.”
“What? No! Ashwin was in the same school as I. He was a batsman then.”
“What was he like those days?”
“The same as now. A shy nice guy.”
“I guess the IPL parties are completely wasted on him then. I guess that leaves Virat Kohli to pick up the slack and have fun for two people. Himself and Ashwin.”

We talked a bit more about some General shit. In between, they offered me their meatballs which they were unable to finish. I thank them and offer to buy them drinks. They say they have already had too many for the day. So I get free food as well as good company. This is win-win I think to myself.

“So where are your friends?” Asked Ms. Australia
“I’m new to Bangalore. I have no friends here.”
“so is this a way to make friends?”
“I guess so.”
“You don’t mind going out alone?”
“I like going out alone.”
“It opens up a world of possibilities.”
“Like meeting hot chicks?”
“Or interesting guys.”
“But don’t you want to hang out with friends?”
“When I hang with friends, he either comes to my place or I go to his, and we drink a bit, exercise together, discuss ideas, stare at the stars, howl at the moon, shit like that. When I go out I want to meet people who are different from me and who think very different from me and see the world differently from how I do”
“Like Hot chicks.”
“Among other people, yes!”
Ms. Australia’s facial expression conveyed that she was extremely fascinated by this.


I asked some questions about the nightlife in town. Ms. Australia got talking about her life situation. Apparently she will not be in town very long. She is not too fond of India and is looking to go abroad for work again. She is not going back to Australia. She also seems a bit Jaded with some of the degrees and professions out there. She is not sure what she will do next except that it will not be her former profession. I ask her to relax a bit, trek in the Himalayas, stay with parents, stay with all friends for a week or two. Take your time to decide what to do. We got talking about what I did during my break. While I was talking Ms. Australia seemed to be looking at me with a look that said, “who is this Guy?” I started getting the feeling that Ms. Australia likes me. I like her too. She looks a bit like Preity Zinta and is irrepressible. But I’m not sure I should get her phone number now. She will not be in town very long. Besides I am not sure she will give it to me while Ms. Socialite is there. I do not want both their numbers either.

“I guess we’ll keep running into each other in this place.” I said casually
“Hopefully” said Ms. Socialite.
“Thanks for Finishing the food.” Said Ms Australia
“Next time, I buy you guys drinks.” I said

A little bit more small talk later, I excused myself. It was time for bed. I needed to go home and go to bed early for another busy day. All in all, Not a Bad night. I still retain some conversational skills. Just need to stay in touch.

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Toit on a Weekday, Part -2 : I meet Mr. Innocent

Continued from Part-1

Then I suddenly notice another single guy, sitting all by himself, drinking a beer and eating a Pizza. I decide to talk to Him. We’ll call him Mr. Innocent. I go up and say Hi. He is friendly and immediately invites me to sit. He is a simple, easy going guy if somewhat conservative. He grew up in a fishing Village in North Karnataka and he therefore carries with him the mores of this place. He seems interested in Politics and we talk a bit about that. Everybody in India seems excited about Mr. Modi’s victory and he is no different.

At some point I ask if he is married. He replies in the negative. We then get talking about girls. He tells me some stories about his adventures with women. The stories are light, entertaining, engaging and endearing. I thoroughly enjoy them, laugh at the conclusion of each one and High five him whenever he lets slip an interesting detail.

He tells me of the story of the girl from his office who invites him to Cafe Coffee day for a Coffee after work.
She point to the sign and looks at him meaningfully and tells him that a lot can happen over coffee. He nods his head.
She then asks him if there is something he wants to happen? Yeah, I want a promotion at work he says.
She asks him if he would like to get married at all. He says, when the time is right.
She then tells him that 28 years (Mr. Innocent’s age) is a great age for a guy to get married. He says then he must start looking immediately before he gets to the wrong age
She points to her toe and tells her that she has no toe ring.

He then asks her, “Why do you like me?”
She says, “Because you are so innocent. Not like the cunning uncles who work at the company”
He tells her, “You are too modern for me. I want a conservative girl”
“What do you mean?” She asks him
“Look at the way you are dressed. Does your top need to be so tight? This is going to make all the guys tense. Hell, it is even making me tense.”
“Hey! I’m a modern girl”, she says while running her hand through her hair.
“Exactly my point”, he counters
“I will not leave you just like that.” She threatens him
We both burst out laughing at this point.

Of course he tells me all these details in his own inimitable style the way only village folk can do. My writing cannot do justice to the way he told the story. It was a lot funnier listening to him tell it than it is for you to read my writing.

The next story involved a girl who he used to meet on the bus on the way to work. He had a crush on her. But he simply could not muster the courage to talk to her. Of course he did not see her everyday on the Bus. Only now and then. But everyday he got on the bus, he would hope to see her. And his joy would no know bounds if she happened to be on the same bus. Then one day, out of the blue, she offered him a cupcake. He thanked her and put the entire cup cake in his mouth in one go and ate it all.
“What? I can’t believe you ate it all?” She gasped
“Of course I ate it. You offered it to me, right? What was I supposed to do? Put it in my pocket, take it home and eat it there?” He countered
“No, I meant take a piece of it.”
We both again burst out laughing.

Apparently two got started talking.
“Do you work for integrated analytics?” She asked him
“No I work for segregated analytics.” He answered

Company names changed, in case you geniuses did not get it

“Oh! I see” she said
They talked a bit. After a few minutes she asked him
“Do you work for integrated analytics?”
“No I work for segregated analytics.” He said
“Oh! I see” she said
We both burst out laughing again.

So apparently they talked for some more time and Mr innocent was not listening to anything she had to say. His mind was working feverishly thinking the next step he needed to take in this budding love-story.

“What should I do? He thought feverishly.
“Should I ask her out for coffee at cafe coffee day?”
“Should I get down at her stop today instead of mine?”
“Should I ask her for her phone number?”
“No phone num is too much at this stage. How about email?”
“Well, many mails just go to Bulk. What about facebook?”
“Fuck it! What if I just go for broke and propose marriage and cut out all the bullshit?”

I doubled over the bar counter laughing.

“Oh here comes my stop. I have to go, byeeeee” She says as she jumps off the bus and Mr innocent snaps out of his trance. But before he can gather his thoughts she is gone leaving him in a daze.

And from that day, for the last 6 months, Mr. innocent has not seen her. He has tried all different timings for the bus in an attempt to glimpse he again, but all in vain. He wants to ask the Bus conductor about her, but is shy.

“I think you should ask the conductor.” I volunteer

“Really? The conductor won’t think I am a lafanga? (loafer)?” He asks

“Who cares? You are a man. Do your job. Be man. Go for it.”

“Thanks Friend! You have filled me with hope. That is what I will do. I’ll ask him if he or any other driver/conductor has seen her. She is very pretty. All the people in the bus used to check her out including the driver and conductor.”

I wished him luck in finding his dream girl and we parted ways.

Continued in Part 3

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